Christianity?
Communion was the greatest event when I was 12. I was elevated with the idea of eating Jesus’s flesh and drinking his blood. How cool is that?! On my knees I confessed my undos and bad behavior to the priest but I couldn’t remember anything to tell him…so I said: “I’m told to be an “A” grade student…and so I am. But when I’m not I invent things to look better in the eyes of my father, so he won’t crucify me for taking C in Chemistry”. Yes. I used the word crucify thinking the priest would like that. I guess the priest didn’t think I sinned much so he released me right away. And I visualized Christ so realistically coming to me and holding my hands to eat his body. It all sounds so creepy now. But it was so beautiful at the time. I fancied that if I had not been a good Catholic I would go to hell and not deserve his flesh.
Now, I’m 23. I’m still going to church. But I can’t visualize him anymore. Have I not been good? Probably not. I probably failed more Chemistry tests and then reality showed up to fail all over me. Sometimes I’m not sure why I go to church. Sometimes people look at me like I have a huge pumpkin in my head for going to church. But I do. And I like it there. Not because I visualize Christ (I tried, but I guess I don’t have the talent). It’s because I’m trying to understand. And I have tried since I eat that flesh and told the priest it didn’t taste like anything. I have tried sitting by my grandma and spying on her prayers. What was she doing that I wasn’t? What was I missing? What have I done that nothing seems to make sense. If that is not enough to question…I don’t know what is.
