d.aMa

Married Women’s GUIDE to your Modern Day problems

So…many of my friends are engaged (and my ‘single’ friends are still in shock with me I think). Some of them have come to me for advice. I have no rights to give anyone any advice …listen to me..I probably have the best (or most bizarre) husband in the world (my world) for putting up with my existence, since I am probably the most bizarre wife-esque example of any kind. But, I’ve been married for what I call a ‘post-kardashian’ syndrome and before I score my “ONE YEAR MARK” in being married I’d like to share 10 useful TIPS for your first 12 months of unification (is this an English word?):

#1 How to keep your posture when a really hot guy flirts with you. Answer: Run away.

#2 How to wake up next to your husband and avoid eye contact after a night out partying. Answer: Sleep until he’s gone.

#3 How to avoid the most asked question of the year “So, how’s married life?” without sounding like a bitch (seriously? again?). Answer: Say “Great” and go get a martini or something.

#4 How to be invited to your ‘single friends’ dance parties like you used to be. Answer: Don’t bring your husband. Seriously, stop feeling bad about it..he’s way happier at home watching his favorite show (in my case I’m lucky: Mine avoids dance parties and feels great about it.)

#5 How to tell HIS parents you can’t cook or use the kitchen in general (holiday season warning). Answer: Don’t. Go to a restaurant and impress them with your taste for good food. And in this case I lucked out AGAIN: Mine is a professional in the kitchen.

#6 How to NEVER bring up the word ‘SEX’ (or sound too obvious) when trying to take him to bed. Answer: Invite him to watch a movie under the ‘steamy’ category to ‘cuddle’ (IMPORTANT: foreign movies make them go to sleep. If you, like me, can only watch movies late at night. It’s always a plus if the main actress is his CRUSH.)

#7 How to buy him gifts that are not only because you want him to have it but that he actually WANTS to OWN. Answer: Keep track of his bookmarks/tweets/and write down everything he mentions with these exact words “I’d like to HAVE this” in it. He’s a grown-up, he’s not changing for you.

#8 How to accept that he’s a man and you are a woman and our ‘species’ are barely (or not) compatible. Answer: Improvise

#9 How to design the house your way but let him be a part of the arrangement. Answer: Compromise by giving him the kitchen or something (or while he’s at work / they don’t usually care)

#10 How to get him to keep being romantic and adventurous when he’s got that ring on you so “he doesn’t have to try anymore”. Answer: This is difficult. Men are simple. Women are needy. The combination of these two is messy. You have two options: You cry and let him know that (and look like a mess). Or you mention #1 (without sounding excited) and subtly give him romantic options and adventures (this is the one).

Now, relationships between a man and a woman are different (but not really), so you need to make sure you have your life, he has his life and when you meet in the middle it’s always an exciting moment. And just try not to tell him everything (Nobody…I mean NOBODY wants to know everything inside your brain), you women are crazy.

love,

d.aMa